Overcoming Loneliness as a Divorced Christian Single

There was a period in my life when I thought loneliness would kill me. 
I was a twice-divorced, childless Christian by the age of 36 and it felt like everyone was married and happy. 

I hated wedding showers, baby showers, and seeing couples cuddle in church. Everyone at work was married and bars were the only places to find a date … a bad idea after divorcing one alcoholic and one cheater.

I received tons of advice (from non-lonely people) on how to cope. Most of it did not work. 
So, here’s my (much better) list! I hope you find it helpful.

xo - Colette



1:  BELIEVE in Yourself

My first problem was my inability to believe that I was pretty enough and interesting enough to attract an amazing husband who would possess all the values and characteristics I sought. I had many (inaccurate) negative opinions about myself after multiple painful losses and I often struggled with feeling like a failure (insert looser). 

You too may feel like nothing is going right in your world and that it never will.  You may feel like it is impossible to improve your job, marital status, friendships, health ... you name it. The good news is that ALL those situations CAN dramatically improve and your dreams CAN come true with some simple shifts in understanding who God says you are and by correcting your mindset.

Even though I spent years in counseling unpacking the layers of where my mistaken beliefs came from, I was never able to shift my mindset and fully believe that I was loveable. What helped most was this devotional I wrote. When you believe in yourself and know how loveable you are, you feel more confident and enjoy meeting new friends and potential mates, so you are no longer lonely. 

HOT TIP: Once I STARTED CORRECTING MY BELIEFS, my perfect spouse showed up! 

Grab my free devotional for learning how to believe in yourself. 

2:  FIND FRIENDS, who give you hope

Easier said than done I understand. Most “friends” were too busy to sit with me through the tears, the hopeless moments, the disappointing dates, and crying over the unhealthy men I still attracted. These friendships lasted 2.5 seconds before the gals lost patience or simply had other priorities. However, one thing I had going for me is I am extremely perseverant. So, with each friendship disappointment, I put on my big girl panties and sought new friends in new places; church services, choir practice, women’s retreats, singles groups, coffee dates, divorce support groups, online support groups, volunteering (and I hate volunteering), bible studies, etc.


I think at one point I had joined EVERY ACTIVITY at a FEW different churches. I could barely even sing, yet I gave it my best shot by joining the choir! The point here is that I had to persevere to find 3 gems (among the hundreds of women I met) willing to sit with me through all the crap. I felt unlovable and undesirable as a friend from the years of abandonment by loved ones in my life, but God still sent Cindy, Betty, & Abby to teach me how to hope and believe in myself. Here's the secret to this tip: It’s a numbers game. Just like dating. Too many people give up at this stage feeling like, “I’m the odd man out, I will never find a friend who truly cares to invest their time and energy in me, someone who truly gets me”, BUT hear me loudy! Perseverance and REPEATED invitations lead to lifelong friendships. Spending time with others IN PERSON is crucial at this point to feel the energy and caring of another human. My suggestion... find true friends that will pray over you and speak LIFE into you. If you need some suggestions of places to meet friends use my free list here. 
3:  TRUST, the good friends you do find

When they offer hope that you will find connection and a healthy mate, use their faith until you believe it. Fake it till you make it if you have to. Remember this, God brings new people into our lives at just the right time. It may be a lifelong friend with whom you discover new depths, or it may just be a one-time coffee date. Either way, God chooses to put women in our lives to enrich us, both to challenge and encourage us. Without taking that risk, we may miss some sweet fellowship. Trust that God will do work in your life by supplying just the right person, or people, in his perfect timing to walk with you on this journey.

4:  PRAY and READ 

I had work to do on my spiritual self before I was ready for a healthy mate. I spent hours in the Bible learning, healing, and reconnecting with God. The Father hears you and knows what you need. I cried out to him for 5 years. I was honestly never content being single and I told God that daily. (Like he needed my input!) I was raw in my honesty with Him. And He listened. Really really well. One day I was fully healed spiritually and ready for a healthy companion.


5:  SEEK COUNSELING 

Although I was a licensed psychologist, I was blind to the reasons that caused me to make repeated errors in relationships. I had years of trauma to overcome after the effects of my parent’s divorce, 2 failed marriages, failed friendships, and high school bullying. Feel like you cannot afford it? I found free counseling services at my church that were life-saving. After months of seeking their spiritual counseling, my heart was fully healed emotionally and ready to open myself up for a healthy companionship. 


























6:  MOVE your body

Take an exercise class, join a walk in the woods group, or go on a Christian yoga retreat. Moving your body will improve your self-esteem and help increase endorphins. Loneliness usually leads to depression and movement can help mitigate that. If nothing else, you will be in better shape when you meet your perfect mate. And you will make friends along the way!

7:  EAT properly

Food (and the toxins in food) has a huge impact on mood and self-esteem. Eating whole foods leads to a clear mind, better sleep, and weight loss (if desired). When we think clearly we make healthier choices in all areas of our lives. The temptation when we are lonely is to comfort ourselves (self-medicate) with food and alcohol. That will only add to the self-esteem problems. If this is something that you struggle with, you might be interested in a program that we are a part of called, JUMPSTART. In this program, we focus on reducing inflammation in our body by creating healthier food habits, consuming adequate amounts of water, and consuming liquid vitamins that increase energy and support the body on a cellular level. If that sounds like something want to learn more about, CLICK HERE. 
8:  FIND a new (or old) hobby

This can help you meet people with similar interests and values who may understand what you are going through. Even though it FEELS like you are the only lonely person, there are millions of people struggling with loneliness. If you find that you joined a pottery class with 6 happy couples, quit that one and find the singles pottery class!! I reached out to a friend who posted a picture on social media of her children knitting and asked her if we could knit together. I barely knew her and I was terrified! She took me under her wing and re-taught me knitting.

9:  Patiently WAIT for time to pass

It sounds cliche but time does heal all wounds. I wanted immediate gratification, and waiting for the right man to come along was painfully hard. Once I met my perfect mate, I realized God had been working on healing him also during my 5 post-divorce single years. When God introduced us, we were both ready spiritually and emotionally. We had “done our time” in the Word and in counseling and we were now both mature and ready for a healthy spouse. 


10:  RESET when you hit roadblocks 

I know you’ve hit them or you would not be reading this. You’ve tried everything on these “overcoming loneliness”  lists and you feel they have not worked. Yeah, me too. Back in the day, I could argue with you about why every single one of these ideas was stupid or frankly did not work. Once I stopped trying to prove everyone wrong, persevered to make friends, found some groups/hobbies that stuck, reconnected with God, and got myself in better physical and emotional shape, I was able to re-write my story and overcome feelings of isolation. So when I met Tony I was confident and strong instead of needy and sad.


So there you have it, my top 10 tips for overcoming loneliness. I trust this information was helpful and gives you hope. I've been there and done that. In fact, we both have and we are excited to reopen our schedules soon for guidance and mentorship.